Parker pulled out her upper right lateral incisor yesterday. You know what that means: Tooth Fairy. So now we have a situation where the elves are active in the house and we’re expecting a visit from the Tooth Fairy. I’m rethinking the mythical magic train of thought…
At bedtime Parker got her elf, Angie all sprinkled with the magic fairy dust (white confetti) that makes her come awake at night. (Um, yeah she has purple shag carpet in her room. Because I let her pick out her carpet for her room. Because I’m cool like that.) She asked Angie to draw a picture of the Tooth Fairy and left her a pen and paper. The faith is strong in this one.
She also left a glass of water by her bed so the Tooth Fairy could dip its wing into the glass. Blue water = boy fairy. Pink water = girl fairy. I’d like to take a moment here and just let you people know that none of this crap was made up or started by me. I blame her peers and tv and for good measure, the internet.
Can you read the note she left the fairy? It reads:
Dear Tooth Fairy
I am a fairy to
but I want a necklace with a
hart that is a lockit with
fairy dost in it
Please!
Scott read the note and said, “I’ll give you a locket.” She just shook her head, “No daddy. You can’t get fairy dust.” Of course. “Why do you need fairy dust?” She’s getting tired of all the questions now, “Because I’m a fairy too and I might need it for an emergency like if I accidentally catch Tempel on fire with my powers.” Ahh of course. Parker was specifically bred for her powers and magic.
At 9:00 I snuck in her room to take the pictures above. She woke up. It’s just me honey go back to sleep.
At 9:45 I snuck in her room to get Angie the Elf. She woke up. It’s just me honey go back to sleep.
At 10:00 I snuck in her room and put pink food coloring in the glass. She woke up. It’s just me honey go back to sleep.
At 10:30 I snuck in her room and put out this note that Angie had written. With her left hand. To disguise her writing. Parker woke up. It’s just me honey go back to sleep.
At 11:00 I snuck in her room with dental floss and a shoe box to create an elaborate spring loaded trap but before I could even get started building my Rue Goldberg machine . . . She woke up. It’s just me honey go back to sleep.
At 11:30 I snuck in her room to replace the tooth with the cash. She woke up. It’s just me honey go back to sleep. “I can’t go back to sleep I’m too excited about the Tooth Fairy!” Ok I’ll lay down with you.
At 12:15 the tooth was deftly extracted from under the pillow and tucked it into my pj’s. Then it was replaced with cold hard cash.
At 2:30 I woke up freezing because my little spawn is a blanket stealer. I went to my own bed and passed out.
This morning was a blur. She was devastated that she didn’t get the locket. She was furious with me for ruining any chance that Angie had in capturing the Tooth Fairy because I kept “checking on her all night.” She was disappointed that the cheap ass Tooth Fairy only gave her two dollars for her tooth. I used to get a quarter. “So mom, that was like a really long time ago.”
It was just all too much.
“Mooooommmmmm! You’re a stupid dummy!” Do you see how her disappointment is MY fault? “I waited all night for that necklace!” Parker, I can get you a locket. Maybe for Christmas. “YOU CAN’T GET FAIRY DUST! I’M GOING BACK TO BED!” Humpf. And she throws the blanket over her head.
“Imprdfgibtnfyou.” What honey? I couldn’t hear you. “I said that I’m proud of Angie but not of you. Get out of my room.”
DUDE! I’M ANGIE!!!! YOU MORON! I’M THE EFFING TOOTH FAIRY!!!! I’M MOMMY AND FAIRIES AND TUTOR AND NURSE AND ELF AND SANTA!!!! YOU BETTER START ‘PRECITATING OR YOU’RE GETTING COAL! FOR REAL! BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN!
I didn’t really say that. I told her she was losing a privilege for being disrespectful and then begged her to get out of bed so she wouldn’t be late for school. But she’ll pay for this. When she has kids of her own I’m going to buy them glitter and glue every week for a year.
.
She also left a glass of water by her bed so the Tooth Fairy could dip its wing into the glass. Blue water = boy fairy. Pink water = girl fairy. I’d like to take a moment here and just let you people know that none of this crap was made up or started by me. I blame her peers and tv and for good measure, the internet.
Can you read the note she left the fairy? It reads:
Ha! I love the last line. Especially because I left my husband in charge last night while I went to photography class and returned to glue all over my kitchen floor, in the kids’ hair (even in the neighbor kids’ hair – HTF does that happen?), and little tiny white pieces of confetti all over my previously beautifully decorated AND CLEAN house.
That is hysterical. And may I recommend junior Ambien?
You are so funny. Be sure to give those future grandkids loud toys too. Every drum and whistle you can find!
Some day when she’s 35…
I am weeping tears of laughter that have pooled up on the kitchen counter where I am leaning as I write this and the sun just hit it and it sparkled. Like a fairy. You are the post fairy today!
When you have grandkids, be sure to give them $5 for their lost teeth. That’s what my inlaws do. I tell my kids they’re just trying to buy their love. I’m HAVE to love them, so that makes my tooth fairy’s $1 extra special.
You give her two dollars for a tooth??? Each tooth????
Well, I don’t have children (This interaction may be a window into one of the reasons why) but you are hilarious…
I am laughing my ass off so hard that I cannot even comment!
haha omg that was so full of funny I’m laughing so hard!
Good thing she lets you know of all these things she heard the tooth fairy does or she’d be one let down little girl!
you did good fairy/mom/santa!
Damn, now I feel like a crappy parent! You build traps, and color water, and write notes with your left hand? I was proud of myself for remembering to sign the presents from “Santa” last year…
Someday you can tell Parker she is lucky her outburst didn’t lose her anymore teeth!
Yeah, you are a way better parent than me! I get so nervous about the wake up that I run in and run out so fast- there’s no time for any of that trap setting, fairy dust leaving stuff.
Okay — Tooth Fairy is by far, BY FAR the most exhausting of all parental roles. How ever many teeth four kids lose over however many years it takes, that’s how many utterly sleepless nights I spent, painstakingly tiptoing in, only to have to painstakingly tiptoe out again. Repeat X 5 (or 10) Ugh!
You know what I think? I think we should stop wasting all of our beautiful gestures of love on these rotten little ingrate kids and start lavishing it on someone who would appreciate it. Our moms? Our husbands? Our third grade teachers?
But, I guess our kids grow up to be moms, and husbands, and third grade teachers… and we will do what we must.
Still… wouldn’t it be cool if the next time you had to go in for a root canal, when you woke up the next morning, there would be a certificate for a Spa Day under your pillow…?
I cannot stop laughing. You are hilarious. Oh you started something with that fairy dust and elves. LOL
I dressed as the Tooth Fairy one year for Halloween while taking the nieces trick-or-treating. People knew right away who I was and kept saying, “I lost all my teeth and these are false, where’s my money?” I gave them mini marshmellows from my bag and said, “Here’s your teeth back, I filed for bankruptcy.” It was a hoot! xxoo
Okay, I love your posts so much! Just when I need a good laugh, you come along! This was too funny!
That is quite possibly the best blog post title in the history of all blog post titles.
Seriously.
p.s. You are an awesome mom.
#1. You are the best effing mommy ever.
#2. She is going to realize that…someday
Super-duper cool mom. This post left me in stitches! I’m seriously considering knocking out one of my teeth so I can write the tooth fairy a letter and ask for purple shag carpet. I want that carpet.
This was a riot! Wonderful writing, as usual!
You really are a dope mom, Carolyn. Tempel and Parker are really lucky.
I love hearing these stories.
You go to some serious great lengths to make this shit happen…seem to recall YOUR mother did much of the same.
Spit my coffee on my keyboard a few times…if you ever enter a blogging contest this one gets my vote – GREAT and hilarious.
Dang!Sounds to me like being the tooth fairy is harder than Santa! You worked all night just to get the two dollars under her pillow! And I have heard that now instead of the quarter we used to get, every tooth has a different monetary value! Good grief!
What a crazy night. Thank God Tashi still has all her teef.
best.thing.EVER.
That’s got to be the most elaborate tooth fairy ritual ever.
I love the left hand writing trick. Very authentic looking!
L.
M.
A.
O.
I cannot comment.
I am laughing.
Yup.
I’m pretty sure Younger’s science project nightmare is pretty much your fault too.
Wanna borrow my “The World’s Worst Mommy” trophy? It’ll make you feel better. Totally.
Hey, YOU get the mother of the year pin. I”ll be right over.
That is really freaking funny. There’s no winning, ever is there? I like Marinka’s idea. Drugs.
My daughter lost her first tooth last Monday night. I was out of the house at the time, and the little shite told her daddy (insert batting eyelashes here) that the going rate was ten dollars. He high-fived her, the moron, and then told me to pony up the dough for I am the keeper of the cashmoney. Argh. Damn fake tooth fairy.