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I have lied to my kids from the time they could hear about the magic man who lives up there and spreads love and happiness. No, not god. (Ok, Teresa and Jo – that was a joke. Please don’t mail me pamphlets or buy me books about god God. Love you – mean it. Pray for me.) You can’t swing a dead god joke around here without receiving literature. It’s the bible belt.
I was actually talking about Santa.
I don’t remember ever believing in Santa as a kid. My mom claims that I did. That I bought into it. But I don’t remember that and my memory is better than hers and I know for a fact that she likes to get full credit for any gifts that she bestows so I’m thinking I’m probably right. They weren’t pushing the Santa myth much in my childhood.
But I dig it. I lie my ass off to my kids about it. Is that wrong? I lie to them about other stuff too. The doctor told me that if you don’t take your vitamins you have to get shots every week. It’s illegal to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese seven nights in a row. You know, whatever I need to push my agenda. So I don’t feel so bad about the bold face lying. Clearly.
The girls have magical Elves too. I know, I’m like Manson over here. They did the mystical seance to call the elves to life last night and now the little buggers are running amok late at night playing pranks on my kids.
But you haven’t really lived until you and your husband have snuck into your daughter’s room after a bottle of wine and TP’d the place. And you can blame it all on the elf. It’s like magic.
I think tomorrow the elves might leave notes. They’ll tell Tempel that she HAS to start wearing pants now that it’s 28 freaking degrees outside and they’ll tell Parker that if she doesn’t at least TRY a bite of meat for effing once then Santa is taking all of her presents back. Oh yeah I would.
Santa is my number one bargaining chip. He’s the best lie I’ve ever told. Does Santa live at your house?
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No, damn that converting to Judiasm – lost the world’s greatest bargaining chip.
I’m so jealous.
I’m totally indoctrinating my children into the cult of magical elf seances. No I’m not – sounds too scary. But I might make up some sweet Christmas fairies that leave bribes for good behavior.
My kids are still pretty young (all three are between two and three years old), so they’re only just starting to “get” Santa. And I don’t know if they really understand the whole story about how he brings presents on Christmas eve. They might just think of him as a holiday decoration. Like pumpkins for halloween.
I 100% believe in letting your kids believe in Santa as long as they can. There is a whole lifetime of reality ahead of them. I say you’re only five once – live a little!
The elves? Best.idea.ever.
Santa is a powerful force in our house that I plan to push for as long as possible!
Also, I’m a total huge liar to my kids too. It just makes things easier. Except Jake is starting to catch on to some things. But then I can say, “Oh, I’m just pulling your leg!”
Not any more. Nor the tooth fairy. Or Easter bunny. But since the granddaughter is now 2 1/2, I think they’ll be back. (Our son still lives at home so she’s at our house a lot.) Margie
When I was little, the elves were just Santa’s nasty little spies, always hiding in the trees in our backyard and waiting for us to make one wrong move. My mom used to see them… they often appeared just as a nasty fight was breaking out among the siblings, or some big mess needed cleaning up. And I’m telling you, those elves got a good 6 to 8 weeks of nearly perfect behavior from us. Never underestimate the power of pure self-interest and greed in the very young. It is a force of nature to be exploited by all means, real and imaginary!
Santa Claus lives at my house. Heck, even my 11 year old is still riding the believing train so much that I swear, he damn near has me convinced I don’t have to go to Target or Toys R Us because the jolly old man is going to do all the dirty work trying to find a WWE wrestling ring for that kid.
I do like this idea of using mythical creatures to do my bidding and/or bribing. I’m going to employ it tonight when I plop a plate of pork chops in front of the kids and the whining starts!
santa yes, god no – you called that one. PLEASE NO GOD HATE MAIL – WE’RE HAVING A COME TO JESUS MEETING TO ADDRESS THE PROBLEM.
Oh, the elves. That is hilarious! And my baby is too young but we might let him think that Santa visits. IF not Santa we certainly need the elves.
We have one of those “Elf on a Shelf” dudes. He watches the kids’ behavior and reports it to Santa every night beginning on Thanksgiving. This shit WORKS, I tell ya. It’s GOLDEN.
Beautiful, beautiful way to spent $12.95.
Oh man, I’ve got Santa on speed dial over here yo! Works every time. Two steps toward the phone and they start screaming, “NO!!! Don’t call Santa!!!”
OK. If you really did tp your daughter’s room and blame it on an elf…I’m moving it!
Santa is alive and well at our house. Unfortunately, there is no one under 30.
tee hee hee
Dude, Santa is the best leverage a parent can get! We lie shamelessly as well, although 8 yr old is now starting to ask questions and it’s getting harder to come up with answers that make sense.
And I never really believed in Santa either. I was too damn practical.
Santa is alive and well at my place. AND I have a Walt Disney World trip to boot in two days – I’ve got both ends covered….
This morning she told me I looked beautiful and later in the morning complimented my driving. This Santa shits works like a charm.
Because of our recent move, I had to tell my 4 year old that I sent Santa a change of address form so he knows exactly where we live. She is also excited because she has a chimney for Santa to get down this year, last year we told her that we left the front door unlocked.
only rookie mom’s don’t lie to their kids. They’ll learn.
You are my hero. You should be named to a new Cabinet Position…”Secretary of Kid Stuff”.
I’d try the Elves, but the Monkey already wakes up afraid of her dresser (huh?), shadows, and “the face” that the lights on the space heater make. *sigh*
Santa is GOD in my house. He sees you when you’re (not) sleeping afterall. I’m sorta surprised the GFYO doesn’t hate the guy since he keeps catching all his naughtiness. Santa is like the best spy ever.
PSST: Write the notes with the opposite hand.
I guess I’m just the biggest nerd you ever knew because I still ‘believe’ in Santa. He just kinda forgets what I ask him for is all.
I asked for James Taylor this year … yeah, I can see that happening right now.
I’ll have to clue my sister in on the elves thing. Her grandson would probably crap his pants if he knew someone else was telling on him to Santa when he misbehaves. Thanks for that. xxoo
Alive and well… and I’m Jewish too! I could never pass up on a guy in red that’s always merry, brings presents and knows if you’re bad or good! Missed you. The pictures from the cabin are gorgeous.
Uh, what’s this about Santa not being real?
If I had kids you’re darn tootin’ Santa would be alive and well! I LOVE the ideas of the spying elves!
We do lie about Santa at our house, although my kids aren’t quite old enough yet for him to be the mother of all bargaining chips. My children are the youngest of all of the nieces and nephews, so I am wondering how long it can last for them. Because when they (the cousins) quit believing, I don’t know what I will be able to negotiate with to get them to keep the lie alive for my kids.
Sorry… accidentally posted the same comment twice!
Oh, this truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Our elf is named Hermey and he was waiting for us when we got home from Thanksgiving. He works miracles…
But it’s only day 5 and Hermey already forgotten to move once.
That is so great. I just blogged today about how I can’t lie, but wish I could. I’m reading more of your blog. You make it look so easy, and the toilet papering, I’m really jealous now.