These are conversations via email with my mother. This little exchange happened while she was at work (she works for the governor) eating way too many sweets.
MY MOM: I am very very sick – you need to come get me and drive me home. Someone brought cookies and someone brought spice nuts. There is groaning and whimpering as I type.
ME: By the way, I meant to thank you for passing on ZERO self control to me where sweets are concerned. Appreciate it. Now go eat your bottle of Tums.
MOM: That is soooo mean. I don’t have any Tums and the Doctor of the Day doesn’t start till the Legislative Session.
ME: You need to go back to Crazy Barbara who ALWAYS had Tums on her person.
MOM: I don’t think you have to worry, there are other criteria for “crazy” besides Tums addiction.
ME: Oh I know Crazy. I’ve got the whole Crazy Handbook memorized.
MOM: Let’s make up a story where I am the sane sensible one. I can bribe the children to go along.
ME: I was referring to my vast knowledge of Crazy because of my in-laws. In that context you are the sane one. Also, when do you get your numbers back for your failing liver? (My mother has no vices, aside from sweets. She doesn’t drink or smoke or eat much red meat. She’s active and thin. So for no apparent reason she has high blood pressure and the medicine they put her on to lower the blood pressure was causing liver failure. Awesome.)
MOM: Friday morning.
ME: When do I have to lay off the hootch? Cus you know you want mine… my liver likes to party. (My sister and I are in a custody battle over the whole thing. We both want to be the one to donate our liver if it comes to a transplant. It’s like crazy medical sibling rivalry.)
MOM: I think there are many things we have to try first so you don’t have to dry out for a few months.
ME: Ok, but I don’t want you setting your sites on Julie’s liver. You’ll have such a better shot if you go with mine. It’s combat hardened.
MOM: I have rethought this. Maybe I should just pick out something flattering, put it on, and lay down with my arms crossed.
ME: Don’t be silly. We have big plans to pull your plug as soon as your earning potential has ceased and then bury you in that jumper. And once you have my innards you’ll be just fine til that day comes.
MOM: So sad to say the Jumper didn’t make it. I may find another before my your innards give out.
Only from a mother…..
I’m pretty sure no one would want my liver. Not only do I drink too much, I am slightly addicted to TylenolPM.
Love these conversations!
justmakingourway´s last blog ..A…blog, you say? Hmmm. Sounds vaguely familiar…
Wow. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has absurdish convos with my mumsy.
C´s last blog ..like a donkey in the fog, or how I look like Jessica Biel
Your Mom rocks! And I can totally see why there would be rivalry between siblings over an organ donation.
You are a pretty awesome daughter. And doesn’t your liver grow back? I know one of the organs does.
Captain Dumbass´s last blog ..Famous Canadian Proverbs
Good times, good times!
Stella´s last blog ..There’s Always Someone Watching Over Us
Your mother is an awesome one. I still remember the story about you and her and your sister tracking down your father. That story was incredible and moving.
Can I pretend your mom is mine for just a little bit?
good lord…for weeks I’ve been wondering where you are when I go to my Reader and see no new highlighted entry for your blog, and finally, tonight, in a fit of unbridled chaos, I figured I’d throw caution to the wind and just click over to see if you were still out there, and gah, clearly you are! And you have been! And I wonder where in the heck I’ve been!
I traveled back in time to read all the entries I missed, and seriously, I’ve missed your style. Now I’m going to rectify my lameness by getting this version into my Reader.
Wow. Your mom is fun crazy, not scary crazy like mine. That’s so not fair. I’m going to tell my daughter that she better start taking care of her liver now in case I ever need it. I don’t think my son would even offer his…he’s pretty possessive about his body parts.
♥Spot
Spot´s last blog ..So I’m pretty sure aliens stole my gallbladder…
Can I trade my mom for yours? Cause mine is just plain crazy and not nearly as much fun as yours.
Carabee´s last blog ..36
Get out! I used to work with crazy Barbara. Except when I worked with her she didn’t have her bridge so the whole top right side of her mouth was just empty. Like the Grand Canyon.