I don’t want to go to the Amish. They aren’t allowed to have electric lights or drink alcohol or use deodorant. Is that the Quakers? No I’ve been to the Amish villages, I’m pretty sure it’s the Amish that don’t use deodorant. I wonder if deodorant is the work of the devil too. Just like zippers.
Anyway, I think I might have to sequester myself in one of their villages. Why, you ask? Because I’m pretty sure my brain has started emmitting its own EMP.
EMP aka Electromagnetic Pulse: A burst of electromagnetic radiation that results from an explosion (especially a nuclear explosion) or a suddenly fluctuating magnetic field. The resulting electric and magnetic fields may couple with electrical/electronic systems to produce damaging current and voltage surges.
You know what that means? It means that my brain has gone nuclear and is effing with all of the electronics in my house. It started with the phones. Our phones can’t hold a charge, they drop calls, sometimes they go into full static for no reason.
Then two days ago my laptop just imploded. Poof. One second I’m typing and then there was a pop sound and now . . . nothing. It’s dead. Go-at-it-with-a-sledgehammer kind of dead. So I’m trying to work on the desktop because it’s all I have left as a gateway to the internet but now it’s gone wonky. It hates it when I try to click on any links. It just locks up and then throws me a, “Fuck you, human.” error message. Really.
And now? It’s the Blackberry. Et tu, berry? It has some kind of spinning hour glass thing going all the time. What’s with the hour glass ‘berry? What!? Is it trying to teach me patience? It’s not working, it’s just teaching me to be pissed off.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion that it must be me. I am the common denominator to all of the electronic malfunctions. That’s how I came up with the EMP theory. You should know I get most of my information from the show Paranormal State on A&E.
EMP’s can mess with their little ghost detecting devices. Huh. I wonder if only dead restless spirits emit EMP’s. Maybe that’s what they’re trying to tell me: that I’m dead. I’m Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense. No, that can’t be right. People can see me. Maybe I’m the undead. That would explain everything. I am the undead emitting EMP’s which are destroying all of the electronic devices in the house. I need to make a run for it before something bad happens to Parker’s iPod.
So that’s why I think I need to sacrifice my own happiness, mental health, and personal hygiene and go live amongst the Amish. They reject technology you know so I can’t be of any harm there. Unless as soon as I get to the village the barn burns down or the butter churners stop working. Great. Then they’d run me out of town with their horse drawn carriages shouting, “blasphemy!” like some kind of crazed Tom Cruise going after a postpartum mom on Prozac.
Maybe I could just wear a metal helmet or something.
You may not be completely insane. My grandmother could not wear a watch, whether normal or digital, because they would just stop working soon after she put them on.
May not be.
Captain Dumbass´s last blog ..Random Tuesday: Avian Fecal Matter And The Olympics
Hopefully you don’t encounter someone with a pacemaker at the grocery store or something. I guess you’ll know it if you do…
Ashley´s last blog ..Tubes it is!
Richard Nixon was a Quaker, but I don’t know whether or not he used deodorant.
A Free Man´s last blog ..Music and passion were always the fashion
You should totally get a helmet! It could be like that one the bad guy wore in X-Men to keep Captain Picard from controlling his mind.
Those ghost finder shows are starting to annoy me. Where are the apparitions?? Why is it always disembodied voices or doors closing on their own? I want visible ghosts, dammit!
justmakingourway´s last blog ..That’s what I get
Carolyn, all i can say is thank god you write shit that makes me spew coffee in the morning – as far as the BB issue – it’s easily solved. Do what I did 2 days – throw it out the car window driving down the freeway then tell your husband that “it became lost”.
sheri´s last blog ..This is what i do when conference calls don’t start on time.
I could totally go without any high-falutin’ zippers. In fact, in order to be super-Amish, I would go without pants. Sorry about the computer stuff. Maybe you can be an ultimate weapon in the Robot Wars though!
Kurt might be taking it to extremes there. I’m pretty sure “pantless” in Amish is “heathen devil-spawn”.
Helmets are expensive, you should just wrap tinfoil around your head.
Ghosthunters is way better than Paranormal State. Real men vs. silly college kids. And Jason and Grant set out to disprove things, so if they get some real evidence, it’s downright spooky.
♥Spot
PS- you should probably steer clear of your car too. I mean you could fry the whole computer part and that would be pricey to replace.
Spot´s last blog ..Disenchanted…
you wouldn’t survive driving into Amish country never mind living in it.
The responses are almost as funny as the post! And I’m glad I don’t drink coffee or I’d be spewing it like Sheri. As it is, snot out the nose is even less attractive than coffee. I get all worked up again just thinking of you taking Spot’s advice and wearing tinfoil around. What a hoot!!!
I’ve always thought it was my skin that was magnetic – I’m a watch killer. I stopped wearing them because they go all Linda Blair, spinning hands, and then die.
I could make you a Velostat helmet if you want. It would save your electronics and also protect you from probing aliens.
Actually – my father AND my husband both have this. The only time I ever lived in a house where electonic equipment didn’t mysteriously break or expire before their time was a group house with friends (who didn’t have EMP). I never knew the technical term before – but I’ve known of the condition since I was a kid and every time my father would get mad in the car, the electric windows wouldn’t work. Don’t worry – your great sense of humor will get you through the rough patches.
I’m with Spot, ditch the college kids for some REAL mean. Grant and Jason are the shit.
I have that effect on cell phones. It might just be that I’m clumsy. But I prefer to think I have special powers.
Carabee´s last blog ..Running Man*
You are not so far from normal. . . after all, that’s just a cycle on the washing machine. My God mother blows up every watch she wears except for one very expensive brand. Unfortunately for her lifestyle, it doesn’t always go with her clothing line. IT looks like a scuba watch. . . all protected with extra covering. And. . . she has been struck THREE times by lightening.
You my dear, may be onto something. . . just stay away from thunderstorms and raw electricity. And, do us all a favor and don’t go near nuclear plants. . . . LOL
Ghosts are real, like EMPs, and they speak in weird ways for a reason.
Right now, they are saying: get a Mac now… NOW!
ms picket to you´s last blog ..Instructions
Once you get in with the Amish, can you build a barn for me? I hear they’re good at that kind of thing.
This is my worst nightmare. It’s why I run my firm on a Mac, too.
Muskrat´s last blog ..choosing teams
Aluminium foil wrapped around the head is cheaper and more practical than a metal helmet…at least it is in my experience.
veryanniemary´s last blog ..Law of Nature
The truth hurts.