The way a query letter should be.

**** Stupid novel.  I think I need a whole new kind of query letter.  I need to shake things up in that staid literary world. Cut through the bullshit. Something more like this:

Dear Ms. Agent (who looked totally nice in her firm’s bio picture):

I am querying you because you’re obviously young (or that’s an old picture) and I think you’ll appreciate the tone of my writing (more than those old fogies that run your firm.) I noticed that your super fancy, big shot firm represents one very successful author in particular that has a very similar writing style to mine. (We both write in the English language and we both primarily use the New Times Roman font.) So I think I’ll just merge right in there with you people from the get go (you may send my retainer check to my home address.)

My novel is written in a completely new voice (totally unpublished author) and deals with tragedy, love, humor… pretty much everything but the undead (shame, because I hear vampires really move product) in a story that is dialogue-driven and tension filled. I know this is where I should be writing the synopsis of the novel (but I can’t seem to boil it down nicely.) Frankly, I think that old school way of pigeonholing a book (I’m a cop-out) is what you and I are trying to get away from (look, I just made us a couple – we’re in this thing together now) and you probably just want to go ahead and dig right in (you never got to this part anyway because I lost you at the first paragraph.)

According to my extensive market research with local focus groups (my girlfriends) my novel (which I would feel more comfortable calling ‘chick-lit’ or ‘fluff’ instead of ‘novel’) will be well received by 95% of the female population between the ages of twenty-eight and sixty-four.  (I just made that up.)  Everyone who has had the honor (been forced) to read it thoroughly enjoyed the page turner of a story (and my mom says I’m pretty) so you can just trust them on that (what are they supposed to say?) So its looking like this runaway hit could be a windfall for you as my new agent. Go ahead and get that timeshare in the Hampton’s. (Hampton Inn.)

As for my writing credits and accomplishments, let me tell you, I have a little thing called a ‘blog’. That’s right. Have you heard of them? The blogs? (Literary equivalent of taking your sister to prom.) Well, not just anyone can have a blog (yes they can.) My blog happens to be big in Japan, and for some reason the upper left part of Ohio (I’ve had hits from there – for reals.) My numerous (dozens) of internet fans will surely be the driving force of my social media tour de force (I log into Facebook at least twice a year) and will push this novel (chick-fluff) to the top of the list (of books written by people you’ve never heard of.) In addition to my blog, I have co-authored a book with Darcy from Post Picket Fence (who’s an actual writer) which we very successfully self-published (literary equivalent to banging your sister after prom and fathering her child) last summer.

I look forward to hearing from you (by your robot-written rejection letter) and will be happy to furnish you with my manuscript which is complete (I understand that if I don’t tell you I’m finished you get all pissy) at 67,00o words (come on, that’s a shitload of words but not so many that you’d have to kill a bunch of trees.)

Sincerely, Carolyn