Instead of giving my kids the “sex talk” when the time comes, I’m just going to give them this list. It’s a list of some of the places they’ve thrown up. Because sex = children = puke. They should know right up front what they would be getting into and they should keep their pants on.
In my hair.
Down the back of my shirt.
Down the front of my shirt.
Down the cast on your arm while sitting in the food court at the mall.
In the kitchen sink.
In the bathroom sink.
In the bathtub.
On the back of my head while driving down Interstate 95.
In that one big plastic bowl.
In my cupped hands.
On my face in the middle of the night.
In my bed.
In your bed.
In the Emergency Room.
In the bathroom at Chick-fil-A.
On every carpet we have ever owned.
In the parking lot at Target.
In my folded coat.
In my lap in the middle of the night in the airplane over the Atlantic Ocean.
I like the way you think….who needs all the details when the end result is vomit!
This trumps that American Girl ‘Your Body’ book. Simple and straightforward. I just need to figure out how to twist this so my boys don’t make girls puke.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)´s last blog ..here’s a post that will leave you unsure what to comment so you’ll probably say something like ’sorry?’ and then avoid eye contact with me
I have emetophobia so I wish someone had kind of filled me in before I had THREE children. This list will be very helpful to many! And honestly, I could hardly read it imagining those things. I’ve been very lucky so far I think.
Ashley´s last blog ..The last 1st
Yeah that should work for your kids. It is definitely working for me.
Wow, that many places? Ha ha ha…. Pardon me.
sf housewife´s last blog ..Rally For the National School Fund Cutting Day
I think that could replace a lot of sex ed courses.
Captain Dumbass´s last blog ..Mistaken Crustaceans And Fame
I literally just did a puke post last week. How lovely.
http://serialswooper.com/2010/03/01/i-fell-into-a-burning-ring-of-fire/
How about on your computer? Yeah. That was awesome.
Cindy S (Serial Swooper)´s last blog ..Anything Done at Maximum Speed is Apparently Great Fun. Who Knew?
Having someone throw up on your face while you’re half asleep is the worst! But at least it’s close to a working shower. I’ve never had puke hit me while I was driving. That’s pretty bad.
Why is it that they always stand over your bed in the middle of the night and say “I’m gonna throw up”?? I mean, they know where the bathroom is!!
Passed the list on to my daughter. Who wants to be a grandma anyway??
♥Spot
Spot´s last blog ..I’m not lazy, I’m radical
I’m never having sex again.
Marinka´s last blog ..Umm…
Ha!! Well done…
Braja´s last blog ..Compassion
Apparently, you need to write another book. This should go into every sex ed class in existence!
justmakingourway´s last blog ..It’s all technology, all the time! Kind of.
Ha, this is perfect! You are hysterical. it really is a foolproof plan.
mindy´s last blog ..eye contact is for wussies
oh dear woman. i could just puke.
What Marinka said. I’m bookmarking this list for my kids.
anymommy´s last blog ..The Walk to 160 Pounds
I made the rookie mistake once of lifting my baby up so I could see her sweet little face right after she finished nursing. It was pre-burping, and it was not pretty. A big gas bubble from deep down in her tummy made its way up to the top, propelling all the milk right up with it–right on to my face, which was marvelling up at her.
Donna L´s last blog ..Guys and Dolls Opening Night
That’s disgusting. You’re never going to be a grandma.
Muskrat´s last blog ..you don’t forget the guys who run from the cops with you
this cracked me up, what a good and wise mother you are
“In my cupped hands” is the one that pushed me over the top. It’s like an act of utter capitulation: an admission that your place on earth has been reduced to vomit receptacle. These hands? That once punched walls, wrote poems, and caressed tree limbs on long climbs toward sunlight? Now exist only as a target for your effluvia.
It’s awesome.
TwoBusy´s last blog ..1000 Words, Part 2